387 Days Later....

Its June again, and well things have changed again!! I now have a beautiful 7 week old baby girl named Hannah Naomi, and frankly 387 days ago when I last posted she wasn't even a thought. Pretty amazing how much things can change in a year. And surprisingly how much they stay the same. It seems like summer is the time when I feel really creative and reflective. Perhaps because my birthday falls in the summer. But whatever the reason its good to be back. I have a brand new painting that I've started...but it needs something. Of course with a newborn on my hands, it may stay just like it is for a while. I created it out of necessity anyway. The whole purpose of this painting is to make the comfortor and various colors of pillow cases we have come together in harmony with the beautiful throw pillows and blanket my mother-in-law gave us and look like I meant to do it on purpose. :oP I'm posting a picture of the painting and the bed...do you think it brings it together? Let me know. Maybe I've been watching too much HGTV again. After all this is not Rate My Space. Or maybe I'm just cheap and ghetto and don't want to spend the money to buy stuff that matches! lol I don't even know if anyone reads this blog yet, but I will post the pics for myself cause I would like to have some pretty pictures to look at when I return in 387 days. Okay maybe not so long this time! Only time will tell. With a baby this cute, (and hungry) only God knows!

School's out....but who's free???

Well yesterday was the first official day of summer for the kids in our district. I agreed to watch my girlfriend's son for the summer and of course my son is also out of school. Usually when watching two kids its easier than one because they entertain each other, but these two just compete...and never mind that they are 9 years apart. I kind of let them do what they wanted to yesterday just to see how the natural flow of things would go before implementing my SUMMER STRUCTURE PLAN. (Insert ominus music here) I am a recovering perfectionist and current control freak who just happens to be a Christian, so I held back. But come Monday, we're going to the library and these boys are going to read some books this summer. I even planned our first field trip for the week after next. Okay, okay, so I didn't really hold back much, but at least I told them about the rewards that they can receive for their reading this summer. LOL I just don't believe in kids watching T.V. and playing video games all summer long...and that is how the natural order of things went yesterday. Oh Lord give me strength, my husband also decided that we are not going to use the dishwasher this summer so that our son can appreciate what he has, but I suspect his motive is mostly to offset the increase in the electric bill from keeping the A/C cooler than usual. Is my life really this boring?! LOL I've only been married for 6 months!!! :) Its just a feeling, right? It will pass. Of course being the obsessive compulsive person that I can be, I already started working on my projects for the summer. One of which I've just updated to tell more interesting stories on this blog!!! But seriously, I am working on the courage to share more of my life in truth. There are more things I would share, and even though no one reads this blog that I know of, it would be devastating to some if I just started pouring out all that was in my heart. Oh but how freeing it will be to my soul!!! I mean that is the very title of this blog...free to be me. I just have to be patient and trust that God will provide me with a format to share my experiences fully without fear of man. The bible says fear of man will prove to be a snare, or a trap. I have made leaps and bounds in the area of being free from what others think of me, yet I still don't have the heart to just rant and rave about the people closest to my heart in all of their human failure without at least changing the names to protect them. And frankly, I just don't have the energy for that by the time I've spent it all gathering my courage. I'll just continue to talk to God about it, and things will inevitably get better, as they always do when I consult the Cheif of the Universe!!!

Loooooooooooong Pause

Okay so I was gone for a loooooong break, but now I'm back and soooo much has changed. Let's start with the greatest change...Me and Jay are MARRIED now, and just celebrated our 6 month anniversary on the first. I am so content with my life. I love being married, and even though there's a lot to catch up on, I'm just going to jump in and let the blanks fill themselves in...

well after going back reading the last few blogs, maybe I will fill a few blanks in. :) Like how I am a stay at home step-mom/housewife now. That is a whole new and different challenge from the anxiety attacks that finally made me quit the cable call center world. If only I knew then that being a mom of any teenager is an anxiety attack in itself!! Okay, so its really not that bad, but we have had some serious changes including moving into a new nicer and bigger apartment, changing my son's school in the middle of the year, which was totally unrelated to the move, and adapting to living peaceably with each other in a clean and organized environment. Okay so the clean and organized part wasn't so hard for me, but it took some MAJOR adjustments for my sweet husband and our cleaning-disabled son. But that's all in the past now, and I am so proud of how both of Jay and Jamal have progressed at putting things away and cleaning up on a regular basis without too much "reminding". Lol I am NOT a nag! I don't care what you think!!! So now we fast forward into what should be an interesting summer. Today is Jamal's last day of school...and I have been haunted by that small voice again urging me to write. Write everyday. Just write something. But now instead of feeling guilty for not doing it for so long I feel like I have an old friend back. I've even started a new piece of artwork recently and have had quite a few new paintings since the last entry. My digital camera is a little raggedy, and is rigged together right now with packing tape, but I will get some pictures posted if I have to resort to the camera phone!!! No more empty promises. Even though I don't think anyone is committed to reading this blog, frankly I don't think anyone has read it but me...but I'm going to post the pictures so at least I can have some visuals the next time I am reading it!!

Creative Juices

What an awesome day I had today! I had fun at work today, we had a special all day training. I got to let loose some of my pent up creative energy right at the start of the day when the trainer gave us stock paper and smelly markers (yum) and instructed us to make name tags. I started with my personalized bubble letters in purple (grape) then colored them in with red (cherry). I added a red daisy with a purple stem and squealed with delight inwardly when the spunky, enthusiastic trainer introduced herself as Valerie and said we were free to play with the sparkly pipe-cleaners and mini Play-Doh jars on each table. I decided right then it would be an awesome day! Plus she put baskets of candy on each of the three tables, we could wear jeans, lunch was provided, AND we got out early!!! Oh yeah and did I mention we get to do it again tomorrow? Man, I am so grateful to be reunited with the people in my newhire training class, it is so nice to go to work and actually get to socialize and talk to the people you work with not just see them in passing week after week before putting on that headset and taking calls from disgruntled cable customers! lol Then when I came home I was surprised to find Jay there working on his business plan with his laptop set up on my $9 coffee table from salvation army. lol I love that place. He was so excited to tell me about finding a more affordable apartment than the house he had been renting that was really a little over his spending limits. We are almost done with our pre-marital counseling and this is the first place he has suggested that I had any peace about knowing I could actually live there. It is refreshing to see God work through him to give me the desires of my heart. My faith in God was increased as I realized that the place he showed me has all the things we were believing for as far as price, location, #of bedrooms, bathrooms, etc. When he left, I had even more joy so I pulled out my paints and painted with ease a beautiful picture for the first time in a long time. I just took the limits off and allowed the creativity of God to flow, and I like it already. I have to go to bed now even though I really want to keep writing, but I'm picking up Cindy early. I'll write more soon. I have so much more to say.

P. S. After church Jay's son and his little brother came over and wanted to paint...I will post all the pics real soon!

In the Light of Day

Wow it is morning again. Its eleven o'clock and I'm actually dressed and ready to go. Too bad I was supposed to be there at nine. Yet I still feel accomplished because the sun is still up and I have a few hours before I go to work to feel like I'm not a vampire. I don't even work the graveyard shift. If I did, I'd probably just quit my job. I volunteer some mornings at my church in the marketing department, helping copy and print the CDs that the sermons are recorded on. I just don't have the motivation to move very fast today. I think it may be called exhaustion, or maybe just light fatigue. I didn't get to sleep until close to 4am last night, and Jay called me at eight to make sure I was up. I actually rolled out of bed around nine, but as I said before, that's when I was supposed to be there. I even told Sister Mary that I would help her with something when she got there at ten. Speaking of Jay, he just sent me a text message saying how much he appreciates my support and encouragement right now. Its funny how he seems to know when I am getting frustrated. Cause I was just sitting here thinking I probably wouldn't have been up so late last night if he wasn't here until 1am. I just couldn't sleep well after he left. I felt the weight of his discouragement trying to creep over on to me, and instead of praying I just let it push me around. It seems so obvious right now in the light of day that I should have just prayed and went to sleep. But in the darkness of the night things can get distorted. Well, I suppose I better at least try to show up at the church, cause I don't want to reschedule for my day off. I have enough to do already. God help Jay to get through this trial of his faith, and give me the strength to let You love him through me so I can continue to be a support and encouragement. I know he needs that, but frankly sometimes I don't want to give it. Help me to love him the way he has loved me over the last five years. Unselfishly. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Peace & Quiet

Ahhh....finally back home alone in my cave. I mean my apartment. Its small and dark like a cave, especially since I only open the blinds for a few minutes each day. No I'm not a hermit, I just work nights remember? My yellow-green spider plant Harry can testify to that. He used to be a nice deep green color. When he was flourishing I used to talk to him when I was at home so he could have a carbon dioxide treat when I would breathe on him....Haaaaaii Haaaaaaaaarry. Maybe its not the lack of sunlight that is killing him, it could have been the garlic breath. Hmmm, I wonder. Anyway, like I was saying before, it is good to be home in my safe place. A man's home is his castle, and my apartment is my sanctuary. This is my place where I can shut out the cares of the world and just be. I can hear from God clearly in this atmosphere. No interruptions, no background noise, just the quiet, luxurious sound of peace. My fiance, Jay has the key to my castle and was here when I came home from work. He has been going through some challenges to his faith lately, and I'm just glad that he feels safe here. He has his own house, but he's been spending a lot of time at my place lately. Even though its nice to have him around, we aren't married yet, and I don't want him to get too used to being here. He goes home every night, but since I get off so late from work anyways, sometimes its late night early morning hours when he leaves. I wish that things were better for him right now in his eyes. His life is not as bad as he thinks it is. He has been there for me through so many of my challenges, I just don't feel like I have the grace he had to handle it. Its different when a man is facing a challenge, men seem to like to suffer in silence until they come up with a solution. But not us women. Just ask Chatty, I'm just teasing, Cindy. We like to talk it through when we are facing difficult circumstances. Well, for now I have to go to bed. But I fill you in on more of the details of what I mean later. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Fight that Feeling

Good morning, well good afternoon. I work late nights so my mornings can vary anywhere from 5am on a Sunday getting ready to sing in the church choir, to 12:45am on a day like today with just a few moments to steal away and write before I go back to work. I'm fighting that strong urge to have a bad attitude this morning/afternoon whatever. I can't afford to be negative working in a call center where the atmosphere is already tainted with fear and complaining. So I'm just going to get it all out here and now, quickly before I go pick up my co-worker Chatty. I mean Cindy. She is a sweetie, but she can really talk! :) So I'm gathering my thoughts now and in the next few minutes when I get in the shower. Speaking of which I really better get moving, I still have to iron and get to her house in the next 20 minutes. But I HAVE TO WRITE. It may not look like much right now, or be all that enjoyable to read, but I just have to do it. I can't fight that feeling anymore. Everyday for the last year or so I have heard the small voice on the inside which I've recognized to be God's voice telling me to WRITE NOW! And I just kept pushing it down, ignoring Him and flat out being disobedient to the call. Well I won't despise small beginnings....this is a start. I'll just keep writing, a little everyday. The rest is up to God now cause I'm doing my part. I'm writing Lord, please help me!